I have been fat ever since I can remember. I don't ever remember feeling like I was physically okay or even normal. In the below picture, I'm only about five years old, but I'm sucking in my cheeks because I thought my face was too fat. I don't think I have ever gone a day of my life without thinking about my weight. It's a pretty horrible way to live. (I'm not saying my life has been horrible - it's been great, but constantly thinking about my weight has been difficult.)
When I was 21, I moved to Argentina to serve a mission for my church. I remember being amazed that for the first time in my life, my weight didn't seem to be an issue. If someone commented on my weight, it was no different than if they commented on the color of my dress. It was so liberating.
A few years later, I found myself living in Mexico and experienced the same thing. I loved living in Latin America because I wasn't defined by my weight.
But eventually, I had to come back to the United States where self worth is so often determined by one's waistline. I had a lot of fun working for an airline and traveling the world, but I knew that I wouldn't ever find love because I was too fat for anyone to ever love me.
Then along came David. He was very persistent. And most importantly, he saw beyond my weight. In fact, it wasn't an issue for him at all. It took him a long time to convince me he was serious because I couldn't believe anyone would feel that way about me. Over the years, as I have told David about some of my guy friends from the past, he has been convinced that some of them were interested in me, but I just couldn't see it. Who knows? I'm just grateful to have found a man that loves me unconditionally.
After four years of marriage and infertility treatments, I decided to make a serious effort at losing weight to see if it would help us get pregnant. I joined Weight Watchers and over the following two years, lost 73 pounds.
Even after all the weight loss, I still weighed over 200 pounds. I hit a roadblock and didn't lose any more weight. We learned we would never have biological children and were blessed to adopt Baylie.
After that, my lifestyle completely changed and over the next two years, I gained all the weight back. I ask myself all the time, how I let that happen. I don't know. It was like trying to hold water in my hands.
And so here I am today. At my highest, I weighed 294.5 pounds, I have recently been diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure. I have sleep apnea. I am 46 years old and my children are 6 and 4 years old. I have a real fear that if something doesn't change, I will not live to see my grandchildren and I will die while my children still have a real need of me.
So... - and here is the point of this blog, I have decided to have gastric bypass surgery. This is not a decision I have made lightly. It is something I have contemplated for about 10 years and have seriously been working towards for over a year. I think the thing that finally pushed me over the edge was watching the transformation of a cousin who recently had the surgery. If you were to look at her before and after pictures, you would never guess it was the same person. Watching her and talking to her about the surgery has finally convinced me to go forward.
I decided I would blog about this entire process as it is going to be an emotional journey for me and there may be others who will find it interesting.
I am not making the blog available to very many people initially. I won't put it out there for more people until I've actually had the surgery. I am excited, yet terrified.
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